I don’t know how you found this place, since this site should not exist. But since you stumbled in, here we go:
The difference between theory and practice is that in theory there isn’t one.
A Higgs Boson walks into a bar. The Bartender says, “You’ve got some nerve walking in here. We have a lot of Catholic patrons, and they’re pissed that people call you the God particle”. The Higgs Boson says, “But without me, there wouldn’t be Mass”.
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are staying in a hotel for a congress. In the middle of the night, a fire suddenly breaks out in the engineer’s wastepaper bin. The engineer rushes to the bathroom, empties the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the garbage can to put out the fire. Satisfied that the problem has been solved, the engineer goes back to sleep.
A short time later, a fire breaks out in the physicist’s wastepaper basket. The physicist rushes into the bathroom, takes out his calculator, frantically performs a few calculations, takes out a cup, fills it to the calculated level and rushes back to the wastepaper basket to pour the water on the fire. As the last drop hits the flame, the fire goes out. Satisfied that the problem has been solved, the physicist goes back to sleep.
The next morning, the three meet again and talk about the events of the previous night. The next night, a fire suddenly breaks out in the mathematician’s room. He already knows what to do, rushes into the bathroom, sees the ice bucket, sees a cup and sees the tap. Since he knows that the engineer and the physicist have already solved the problem this way, he declares it trivial and goes back to sleep satisfied.
Progress in Physics:
Newtonian Mechanics can’t solve the 3 body problem;
Relativistic Mechanics can’t solve the 2 body problem;
Quantum Mechanics can’t solve the 1 body problem;
String Theory can’t solve the vacuum
Contrary to the widespread misconception that there are three states of matter, there are actually four. Gas, liquid, solid, and the fancy one you need for your Doctor thesis.
A countably infinite group of mathematicians walk into the bar. The first says “I’ll have a beer”. The second says “I’ll have half a beer”. The third says “I’ll have a quarter of a beer”. The bartender sighs, pours two beers, puts them on the bar and says “you guys really should know your limits”.
A physicist goes into an ice cream parlour every week and orders an ice cream for himself and offers an ice cream for the empty stool next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner asks him what he is doing there. The man says: “Well, I’m a physicist and quantum mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously transform into a beautiful woman who could accept my offer and fall in love with me.
The owner says: “Well, lots of beautiful single women come in here every day, why don’t you buy an ice cream for one of them and she might fall in love with you”. And the physicist says: “Yes, but what are the chances of that happening”!
An ice cube sits at the bar, slowly dripping onto the floor. The bartender says “Hey buddy, why so sad?” The ice cube says “I’m OK. I’m just going through a phase.”
The ice cube was in denial. If he was 0K, he wouldn’t be melting.
In the next chair was a block of dry ice. She was sublime.
I didn’t know Einstein was real. I always thought he was a theoretical physicist.
A neutrino, walks through the bar
Every programmer has made two errors in their life: a memory leak, a stack overflow, and an off by one error
A lecturer makes some remarks on the blackboard and says: “The proof is trivial”. A student raises his hand and says: “Sorry, Professor, I don’t think it’s trivial”. The lecturer stares at the blackboard and back at the student. He thinks for a while. He starts to walk up and down in front of the class to think. He looks at the blackboard again. Finally he leaves the room, comes back 20 minutes later and says: “I have thought about it and yes, it is trivial”.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And, boy, it was about time, too!
The bartender says “We don’t serve tachyons here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.
Q: What does Benoit B Mandelbrot’s middle initial stand for?
A: Benoit B Mandelbrot!
Quantum Physics: the dreams that stuff is made of
A string theorist is kissing his secretary when his wife walks in. She bursts into tears and turns to run out. The string theorist yells, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
A software tester walks into the bar and orders one beer. A software tester walks into the bar and orders 0 beers. A software tester walks into the bar and orders 10 million beers. A software tester walks into a bar and orders -1 beer. A software tester jumps through the window into the bar and orders a beer…
An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician are taking a train from London to Glasgow, they cross into Scotland and see a field with black sheep. The astronomer says “Look, the sheep in Scotland are black”, the physicist says “No, some of the sheep in Scotland are black”, and the mathematician says “No, there exists in Scotland at least one field in which exists at least one sheep at least one side of which is black”.
Steve orders a “beer”. The barkeeper starts burning.
There’s actually a last physics joke, but finding it is left as an exercise to the reader.